Trusting myself
I think I've found a rhythm for pastoral visits
One of my biggest struggles as a pastor has been pastoral visits. The fact is that while almost no one in my congregation will ask directly for a visit—or even for a conversation—there is a group of people who have strong opinions on who should be receiving regular pastoral visits and how often they should receive them.
A few of those people have been happy to occasionally let me know that I am not visiting the people on their personal list often enough. And that was upsetting to me for two reasons.
First, it made me feel like I wasn’t doing my job. I spent time visiting people and I spent time trying to visit people. I tried setting appointments with people, only to discover that, by the time I arrived, they had forgotten the appointment and gone to do something else. I tried dropping by, only to discover that people would be at other things, or visiting with family, or asleep. I found out that three attempts to visit would result in one actual visit. And it wasn’t enough.
Second, it meant that people were unhappy with me. Certainly the person who had casually mentioned the fact that I had not visited recently to a friend—but, and this important, who never called me—was unhappy. And certainly the person who was passing this message on was unhappy. And I want people to be happy with me.
But I came back from sabbatical with a new plan. So let’s talk about that. And let’s talk about why I am happy with it.
So here is the plan that I have been following for the last month:
First, I have an official list of people who receive regular pastoral visits. If someone wants to be added to the list, I will add them to the list, but there is a list.
Second, I try to visit everyone on that list once per quarter. This quarter was a little weird, because I was coming back from sabbatical during the last month of the quarter, but I still tried to visit everyone on the list.
Third, those people are also on the list for other people to visit. I know that they receive visits from friends and family, that those who want to be are on the list for care packages, that they receive communion from laypeople, and so on. I am not the only visitor or the official representative of the church.
Fourth, I attempt two drop by visits and then, if I haven’t caught them, I send a card and suggest that they give me a call. I have tried setting appointments before, and that just adds layers of complication: people don’t return messages, or forget about the appointment, or whatever. So I try to drop by visits and then put the ball in their court until the next quarter.
And that’s the plan.
There’s something that’s more important than the details of the actual plan: I am satisfied with it.
As much as I want other people to be happy with me, the fact is that there’s only so much that I can do about that. Some people will (almost) always be happy. Other people will (almost) never be happy. A lot of people will fall somewhere in between.
While I can influence other people’s happiness, I cannot control it. And on this, I am not going to try. I am satisfied that it is enough—and probably more than enough—and that it balances well with all of the other responsibilities that I have as the pastor of a congregation.
And I want to take a moment with that.
One of the things that I probably do not value enough is my own satisfaction with my work. I know that I usually measure myself against objective numbers (like worship attendance) and against what others think of me (like whether I meet some nebulous expectation of visiting people enough). In fact, these are things that came up on my psychological evaluation during my ordination process!
But recognizing that I cannot control everything and trusting my own internal barometer is important. I can do everything right and not see the objective numbers that I would like to see and/or find that people are still unhappy with me. And I believe that—while there probably isn’t a single right way to do this—what I am doing is right.
So this is a growth opportunity for me: I can trust myself and I will trust myself.